ambria

so i cheated.....yes ambria who said shes never ever cheat on anyone cheated.....

this feeling i get when she looks at me
this emotion that runs so deep when we touch
this desire i cant quite quinch when i think of her
this feeling inside
how do i know
why wont it expose itself
is it could it be
it cant be not so soon
can it
it puzzles me in every min
im thinking im wondering
she told me something last night
being together in ten years
that she wouldnt mind it being with me
that this relationship we have would be equally pleasurable without our sex life
i feel the same
and yet this feeling inside me
im falling fast too fast i think
never fallen this fast never this hard
she makes me tremble she makes me weak
sometimes i cant speak or even breathe
this emotion is so hard to express in words
how do i explain it
how do i tell her
she has told me she is falling too
i have told her this
when is it long enough to say that word
the word
that feeling
this feeling this emotion
this thought
is it too soon
i think it is
maybe not
how do we put a time frame on something so delicate
we wan to be certain
im amazed at how we fit
how big my smile gets just from the thought of her
how much it hurts when shes not around
how when i sleep by her i dont seem to stir
this girl how is it she is so amazing
she is as eautiful as the california sunset
i feel as if i could get lost in her eyes
when she holds me its as if i cant get close enough to her
like this emotion im feeling
i have so much of it to give and i cant find a release for it
sometimes i feel as if i might explode
when i look at her in a hypnotic stare she asks me what im thinking
if i told her i think it might be weird
i think i do love her
but i cant its too soon
so i tell her how beautiful she is to me
i tell her im lucky shes mine
i tell her im glad things went the way they did
what is it that drew her to me
or for that matter me to her
id like to know what it was that set me apart from the others in the past
she wishes to know the same
i once felt torn and beaten but now i feel revived and good as new
good as new
renewed i suppose
i love the way her hair falls in her face
the way her eyes sparkle even at night
the way her hand seems to find mine
the way her kisses are always so sincere
the way she holds me when i have a nightmare
the way she finds humor in almost everything
the way there is never a dull moment
the way isabell adores her
the way everyone likes her
she told me her best friend hates everyone shes with
yet she likes me
her bro likes me too
when we were little we had the same nickname not a very common one
bird
very funny
we think the same things at the same time
she always smells good
she rubs my back all the time
she tickles me
sometimes we wrestle and its cute my clothes always end up coming off before hers
dunno why but wish i did
maybe ill change that
im not sure of the point of this other than to try and explain this feeling im having
its an amazing feeling
i never liked falling so much
im off to see this amazing girl now and i cantwait til i do
she doesnt know so it will be a suprise and a she likes it when i do.

I have the most amazing gf in the world

i was having a horrible day last wed so my friends decided to take me out!!! such great friends they are indeed!!! so we we went to the alley and there i met a girl who knows my friend marshall. it was so funny bc she bought me a beer! my first thought when i met her was "she is really attractive." apparently she thought the same about me. so i went back to marshall's with georgia and marshall and bryce is her name came by about 15 mins later. she brought beer. lol.. we had daiquiris and beer and it was so much fun. we went to sleep around 4ish only bryce and i didnt go to sleep. that was called drunk fumbling. i set an alarm for her to wake up to go to class in the morning and we fell asleep. she is the best cuddle buddy. she got my number in the morning and we said goodbye in less than 10 mins i was getting text messages from her. it made me laugh. ummm so we decided to be fuck buds or whatever now we are friends with benefits and georgia says by the end of this week ill be pregnant with her baby!!! HA!! anyway she texted me fri to have lunch went back to he place you fill in the rest her roommates came home and it was so funny bc we were in the bathroom naked and i was like wow what a way to meet the roomies naked!! they left so it was all good. when we left to go back to my car i met one of her roomies and it was weird bc i already knew her through a friend from hs. that was cool. i didnt recognize her. i felt like an ass. i think my reaction to who she was made up for it though. anyway so we went back to my car and said bye. sat she invited me to go out with her and some friends. i declined. one i had no money two taking a day off is good. so yesterday she texted me and wanted me to stay the night with her last night. i didnt turn that down. i took a day off that was good enough for me. i met her the rest of the people she lives with its four. uumm they live in a 4 bedroom house and two of them are together. anyway we watched the oscars and then went to he room to watch this horrible movie i picked out. we ended up turning it off and you fill in the rest the we went to sleep and she is so good to snuggle with. i slept through math this morning. we showered which is always fun to do with the person you are sleeping with. i may seem like a whore ut im not ive limited it to one person at a time and from now on they will always be girls. i dont know what i was thinking. i think i bumped my head a bit. i dunno but im cured now so no worries. so we are friends that sleep together now.... she is a leo and im an aries and we match perfectly. we are both fire signs. she likes hot showers like me yay!! anyway thats why we hit it off immediately. so shes a great girl oh and shes HOT!!! its funny bc people who know and who have met her are all like hell yea go for it baby!! so i am and its so great. im so fucking giddy i cant stand it...i havent felt this way in about three years.

last night was cool. the last few weeks have been really cool. i think ive had more sex in the last three weeks than i have in the last year!! the funniest part is that its with a boy!! he kinda pissed me off today. no biggie. i think i over reacted a bit but there wasnt any harm done. its kinda weird but whatev. im not a whore its only been with one person.

anyway last night i got conned into going to fusion the worst gay club. if you can even call it that. its only a block away from the alley so we ended up there then we went to waffle house. waffle house is the best place to be at 4 in the morning btw. i got picked up and carried to the dance floor and that was funny. the funniest part about last night is that i walked out of my cousins wearing two different shoes and didnt realize it until we were already there. that was awkward. oh well. we took pics and got a few good laughs. my friends are crazy. i had fun.

tonight we're off to see hedwig and the angry inch. that should be fun then its off to the gay bars again!!! yes!! maybe i can talk stephen into going even if he doesnt go out after the show id like him to at least go to the show.

now im showering going out and probably getting really drunk tonight. i havent done that in like a week so thatll be fun.

i met someone today...we actually have known eachother for almost four years but tonight we connected. she is amazing. i cant use any other word. just that amazing. i missed the feeling of knowing someone is thinking of me. she isnt old!!! she is my age. i had this fear that i cant connect with someone under the age of 22 but as of tonight that fear seems to be going away. i dunno what to say. im extremly giddy and thats something i havent felt in about 6 months. im not jumping into anything but later if something does happen i know the wait will be well worth it! plus i dont want someone who i could really like to be a rebound. i think this may be the best thing for me right now. she is beautiful and she is smart. dont want to jinx it by saying too much. anywho goodnight!

i thought this whole thing might hurt a bit. i was right in the since maybe it hurts a bit but its more releif then anything. im hanging out with people i would neverhave hung out with before and they are wonderful people. life is getting better. school is great. i have more perspective on my life. i love my friends and family and know things will only get better for me now. a little lonely but hey thats expected and its not really that bad i mean i was alone then too. now i have people actually talking to me about stuff and people are like hey lets go hang out and i really like it a lot.
THE OLD ME IS BACK!!!!

11/17/06

I’m tired of fighting so hard for something I know will fail miserably in the end.
So why do I keep fighting for it?
It’s the same argument just different circumstances every time
So why can’t I figure out the solution
I have to give all of my info
And yet she none
But I am the nagging mother
I’m not sure how long I can last this time
Always thrown in the corner until needed for amusement
Why do I stay?
What is it that keeps me strapped down?
Why can’t I leave like I did before?

When I left before I felt as if the life had been sucked out of me
I feel that way still
She is here because she loves me or so she says
But it’s a possessive love
Controlling and life threatening

Every instinct I have says I deserve better
And I know I do
Every friend relative could be lover past lovers even acquaintances
Say its true
I can’t stand the thought of it.
I hate myself for leaving the first time
For staying this time
For loving anyone at all

Love has only brought me hurt
Pain, torment
I hate love
I hate hate
I hate feeling

Life itself seems to mock me
Everything I do or say comes back to haunt me
My life is a mistake.
I am reminded of it every time I make a mistake
I make things harder on myself as punishment
I bring pain and suffering upon myself
I am ashamed to be gay
I ashamed to be in love I ashamed to be who I am
But I am who I am
I am open and release myself

I thought that’s how I was
I used to be that way
I am no longer

Presently I am naked torn beaten bruised abandoned
But it is I who have abandoned myself
I can’t find who I used to be
I am lost and alone

I made myself alone
I am not alone at all
But have built a wall
And won’t give the key to anyone
I feel that I have lost it
Or maybe I already gave it away and now can’t get it back
I want the wall to come down

I know not when I built it.
I think it’s the one I built as a small child.
I broke through it I think
But quickly returned
It served as a hiding place.
The next time I knocked it down
Soon enough I had to rebuild it

I think this last time I built it inside out
I locked the good out and the bad in.
It has changed me for the worst.
When I look back I think
How I was a fool
And how dumb I am again

It will never change I know this
So why am I drawn to her.
Why can’t I escape these feelings?

I am consumed with hate and anger and pain
And so inflict more hate and anger and pain.
I wish I understood why.
I wish I could get away from the things I fear
Even fear itself
The things the people that hurt me.
Myself even

The whole world
It’s easy to start over
I’ve done it six times since birth
Possibly more

To start over I must give up what means most to me
Before it was easy
I was made to start over
I know it’s not so bad
So why am I stalling

I’m afraid of what’s to come
I afraid ill be hated I am always
I find new people that care
New friends
But they like all leave
And I am alone again

But this isn’t always true
I have ones that are there for me now
So why do I feel the need to start over and be alone again?
I can’t get my thoughts together
I can’t figure it out
I can’t see through anything

My skills have dwindled away
I can’t even hold conversation
I think this is a step
But where do I go
Do I go?
Do I stay?

When I ran back into to refuge my hiding place
I understood where I belonged
Knew who to love
Who to hate
I hated no one
But loved everyone
I hate everyone and love no one

Where do I fit in?
What am I good at?
What am I bad at?
What crowd do I belong to?
How will I know?
Who will I tell when I know?
What will it be like?

I am stuck
I found who I was and now I have lost her
It’s the same thing over and over
I am going in circles
And know not why
I missed something
There is a lesson
Where
What
Why can’t I see it?
What am I to learn?

I can’t see it
I keep passing it missing it
Maybe not coming up to it
Maybe I haven’t missed it at all

Maybe I have to keep going
Instead of
Veering or turning around or
Or stopping for bad direction
Maybe its been here inside me
All along and I was looking else where

What if its not there at all and im looking for nothing
How will I know when will I know
What am I looking for at all?
I am confused
I have said I have no one
This isn’t true
I have everyone just not
The one

I had the one
But she is lost and I can’t find her
Yes this is what im looking for
I found her I had her
I had everything

I had love
I had friends I had family
I had her I love her but she is gone

I have friends and I have family
I have no goals
I have no future

I had goals
I think if I pursue those goals I once had I will find my new ones
I may in fact find that my new goals are simply my old goals
I just lost sight of them
Any goal I have ever had seems unreachable to me now

A family
A degree
Patients
Saving lives
Teaching
Loving
Caring

They are the same
So why are they hard to see happen
Why are they out of my reach?
Why can’t I imagine them now?

I am cold
I once loved the world
Once loved the people
Once cared for everyone
Everything
The animals
The plants

What people
The world has no people they are monsters
Villains
Killers
Invaders
Spies
Liars
Even children are evil
Of course they are tainted by their beloved heroes their parents
But even so they are evil

So why don’t I want to make the world safer
Better
Brighter
Full of life
Not death
Care for all not just the rich
Not just the poor
Not just the black
Not just the
White or Hispanic or Asian
Not just the young but the elders too
And everyone in between

What is wrong with me?
I figured it out
So why is it still hard?


It’s not hard I make it hard
I should end it
I don’t have to put up with it
I allowed her to build a wall around me
Now I can’t get out
She is the key
They only way out is to leave and never look back
It may be hard but I must do it
I will never be accepted or happy while im thrown around and not loved
While I am told to do something then when I do it, it gets thrown back in my face
Its nothing but a double standard and I hate everything about it
I hate her
I hate the way I feel about her
I hate everything I have done for her because it has only hurt me
It will only ever hurt because I will never be enough
She is enough for me but I never get her
She is always too busy giving herself to other people I will never have her to me
She will always lust after someone else
She will always put her friends before me
Never me before anyone
I won’t allow her to destroy me
I thought I was destroyed
But I now know this is only the beginning of my life
I am who I am
I am who I was
I love myself
I love my friends and my family and I will no longer allow someone to dictate my life
I will no longer be hurt
I will no longer be left
I will no longer be used for fun
For amusement
For pleasure
I will be myself and I will only do what I want when I want
I will not be second best anymore
I will be someone’s first choice
I deserve that
I deserve to be loved and treated like a queen
The way I love and treat her like a queen


And I will
I will peruse my goals
My dreams
I will help people
I will further my knowledge of the world
The body
Mankind
Science
I will explore my options
And I will love who I am